A Lesson on Pubes.

(Mr. Bilford Blaze finds himself sitting on his beanbag chair, flipping casually through the latest Playboy and speaking on the phone with his BFF, Mr. Neil Barnes.)

Barnes: "AGH!"

Blaze: "What the hell?"

Barnes: "Ah, nothing. I just got out of a shower. I was shaving my balls, and I rubbed soap out of my eyes and I got a micro-pube in my pupil. It's like stuck in there, hurts like fuck."

Blaze (flipping another page): "Right..."

Barnes: "Don't you hate it when that happens?"

(Pause.)

Blaze: "Can't say that I do."

That Age Old Question...

(We find Mr. Bilford Blaze and Mr. Neil Barnes sitting in relative contemplation among five empty cans of Redbull and an empty bag of Doritos.)

Blaze (after measurable reflection): "Scarlett Johansson...or Natalie Portman..."

Barnes: "Dude, totally Scarlett Jo."

Blaze: "Nah, man. Nat Port."

Barnes (rationally): "Scarlett's a blond. Blonds are hot."

Blaze (insistently): "Nat's a brunette. Brunettes are hot and smart."

Barnes: "Hey, hey, that's an unfair stereotype. Scarlett Jo is fluent in English and Danish."

Blaze: "Nat Port has a psychology degree...from Harvard."

Barnes: "Well, Scarlett Jo is a Democratic advocate who campaigned tirelessly for Kerry and Obama!"

Blaze: "Nat Port is too cool for politics, she fuckin fights for the rights of genocide orphans in Uganda!"

(There's a slight pause of reflective silence...)

Blaze: "...Why do we know this shit?..."

Barnes (standing abruptly, and grabbing yet another can of Redbull): "Come. We must vigorously masturbate to obscenely degrading paraphernalia, then go out of doors and shoot things; to reclaim our manhood and defeat the foreboding influence of defending the supple breasts and formative minds of the feminine race--that are Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson."

Why one should never smoke hash at a family reunion...

(We find Mr. Bilford Blaze lingering at the home of his BFF, Mr. Neil Barnes. Mr. Blaze is hitting up his Facebook, while Mr. Barnes is battling alien humanoids on Call of Duty.)

Blaze (having pulled up his Facebook page, sees a Friend Request from some hot chick): "Dude! Dude! This hot chick totally wants to add me!"

Barnes (glancing from across the room, where he lingers over his Manga mag): "What's her name? Where's she from? What's her bra size?"

Blaze (wide eyed): "Dude...she's from Sidda!"

(Sidda, the boys' hometown.)

Barnes (immediately getting up and looking over his friend's shoulder): "What the-- she IS hot!"

Blaze (reading her profile): "Lacy Walters...eighteen... likes hanging out with her friends and trying new things..."

Barnes: "Fuckin right."

Blaze: "Totally confirming this shit."

Barnes: "You should send a message first, before chatting. You know, something nonchalant. You don't want to seem like you're that desperate."

Blaze: "Shut up, man."

(After a few more rounds of Call of Duty, Blaze leaves Barnes' house...and walks across the street to his own. As he tosses his jacket on the rack in the hallway, he walks lazily into the kitchen. He stops short, witnessing something he never thought he'd see in his life-- The Hot Chick from Facebook standing there, with his Mom.)

Blaze's Mom: "Oh Blaze, you're home. You remember your cousin Lacy."

Blaze (dies.): "Cousin..."

Lacy (suddenly jumping into his arms and hugging him in amicable enthusiasm): "Cuzz! I've missed you soooo much! I haven't seen you since the family reunion last summer! And now we're going to the same college, how cool is that!"

(And so ends the momentary joy and short-lived elation that was the hope for the tantric sexual encounters and late-night telephone conversations bragging to Mr. Neil Barnes...)

Blaze (as he finishes recounting the story to his BFF via telephone): "Mother fucker..."

Barnes: "How can you let something like that slip your fucking mind...I mean dude, she's your cousin."

Blaze: "I thank you for all this."

Barnes: "What, why?"

Blaze: "I was smoking some good stuff at that family reunion...I probably thought she was a ficus or something when I met her."